just finished my first lecture this morning...not feeling too good today...my neck is feeling so tight...i think it's becoz of the way i slept last night...making me so crumpy now...well, so many things are going through my mind...exam stress!!! i am gonna have a busy week ahead of me...dont know whether i should be going for singnite...coz if i were to go, i will have 3 days short to study...but i really wanna see yovita...i miss her man...gone are those concord days...and now comes these uni days...though i am having loads of fun but i am truly missing those quiet life of mine...where i was truly carefree...a place deep in the countryside...where i was so intouch with myself...i was able to hear that inner voice of mine...and everyday just feel so tranquil for me...i love the countryside...the beautiful sceneries...it makes me forget all my problems...all my miseries...maybe i should do that soon...after my exams next week...i shall make a trip down to somewhere that i can find myself true bliss...

sigh...i read something this morning before going to school...it makes me ponder...what is actually going on...were you actually speaking the truth to me...does true love ever exist...i dont know...so skeptical about things now...maybe i should not love at all coz everything is not going right for me...maybe i should go back to my old days in girl's school...i am learning new things each day...seeing the otherside of mankind...i am not saying i dont have my flaws...i am not perfect at all...i am learning from people's mistakes...so that i wont fall that deep fall that hurts so much...Argh!!! i am feeling so down today...why why why is this happening again...

Just a picture of me and chin taken last year...

Why am i weeping once more...i am so skeptical about things right now...does true friends really exist? if yes, why must my own friends backstabbed me and tell him to let me fall...i seriously dont know who is it...but after hearing so much...i am beginning to close up once more...losing my trust in people again...i have never gone around my friend's back and backstabbed them...so why is this happening to me? Is it because people are just jealous? i really blamed myself now for trusting people so much...always so naive...telling people everything about me...

Tried to talk to someone today hoping and praying that we could end things on a happier note...Does inflicting pain and seeing me cry makes you a much happier person? why must this break up be such a painful and sad ending for both of us...i am not denying my wrongs in this relationship...havent taken so much from you because i was so dependent on you...i truly understand that you are hurting deeply inside now...but havent i promised you that i would still be there for you? that's why i never even abandon your calls...i did my best to talk to you and listen to your explanations...even though you tried so hard to threat me with my friends...texting them and telling them things about me and trying so hard to make everyone hates me...but have you actually wondered whether this is the right thing to do...does it makes me love you more by doing so...you wanna me to love you but everything you do is basically ruin that little hope that is left...it makes me wanna run away from you even more that's all...why must you do this? you did everything for my friends to hate me...then why do you still wanna love me? isnt it such an irony? if i am such a horrible person...than leave me...dont tell me you still love me!

i dont wanna lie to myself and tell you i love you and make you suffer any longer...it is not gonna be fair to any of us...believe me one day you will find your true love and maybe that will be during your days in harvard...and i am sure you will find yourself a more intelligent and prettier wife than me...trust me i wont be wrong on this...i can see that bright future beaming ahead of you....

Well it was like the wind
Off my feet you blew,
And I fell headfirst,
Head over heels in love.

Then like the wind
You blew again
Till I'm lost
in your whirlpool of confusion

tossed and turned
my will grew weak
pushed and pulled
my heartstrings torn

all alone lost in the woods
I cry, but who hears
Your taunting haunts,
Eternal Halloween.

Now stronger I stand,
Merciless you've become
Now once again you blew
Like the strongest wind.

Let the truth be out...well, all these years my success was helped out by someone...he is no other than clarence...i am truly thankful for his help...without him i wont be where i am today...and i would admit he was once my boyfriend for a good whole 5 years...yup...there were many ups and downs in this relationship...and honestly we had been through many rough times...in fact it has left many scars in me...even till now when i see him...i still fear him so much so much...that's why he has been kept in the dark with so many things...all my true emotions was just bottled up inside me...coz i feared that by speaking the truth...something might happen to me...i do admit that there are times i do give him a huge load of work that coz him to explode so easily...and i know i have got to be more independent myself...which i am slowly trying to do so now...i havent been able to open up to anyone till i was in glasgow where i thought i could have a new start, a new beginning where i thought for once i could speak the truth to someone...to share why i am like this today...there were many times i felt like crying...wished that there was someone i could trust whole heartedly...and could have a heart to heart talk...but i realised through telling people so much...i became very vulnerable to them...in fact, i did try speaking all my feelings to clarence...wishing that he could understand me...but to him he thinks it is betrayal...why? he knows it himself that i really do not have any evil intentions or anything like that...it is just this pure innocent heart needing some help and advise since he is the one that knows me the best...it is with his violence that i seek comfort in my friends...i try to go undercover to search for my own happiness...wishing and hoping that this violence will come to an end someday...you may be thinking this is really selfish of me...but i really had no one i could talk to...i did try speaking to people...just like i told someone...and what she did was to make the whole situation worse for me...and this has coz me to close up once more...in fact, i did try to open up myself again to him yesterday...telling him my true feelings...but what happened...he lost his anger and got violent again...i know he loves me so much...that i am the girl he wants to marry...and he wants to give me a very good life in future...but i know i had to say "no" coz no matter what i find it so hard to stir that feeling of love in me once more...becoz of so much abuse and hurt...so much fears in me that i find it hard to even have a heart to heart talk to him...that i find it so hard to even be myself with him these days...i feel so fake in front of him...and i know i cant put myself into any more denial and tell myself that i love him...

I am feeling so fustrated right now...argh!!!why do i need to go through all these...i really regret not listening to mummy now i am suffering...i wanna cry and give up...i wish i could tell mummy what i am going through...but i know if i ever let her know about how depressed i am feeling...she will be so upset...i wish i could reverse time to last year August...now i am feeling so inconfident with myself...i'm feeling f***ing ugly...tears just keep on welling up in my eyes...stupid thoughts have been coming into my mind...i thought of running across a busy road and get knock down by a car which i seriously wanted to do yesterday but was pulled back by someone or even taking sleeping pills and not wake up forever...what have i done to have to deserve this...it's just me seeking to become better but somehow things just got so screwed up...

Sigh...finally found the time to update my blog...yeah and this will be my first entry for the year...a brand new year start...with so many uncertainties for me...i truly fear...

Yup, Sarah just called me...she is leaving back for glasgow again...how time flies so fast...and soon it's my turn to head back...i am kind of so unsure what is awaiting me this time when i am back...first and formost will be my exams...the work load in dental school is really heavy man...it is only just 3 months of school and we have already covered so much...

just a little reflection on my life in glagsow last year...i remembered how i whined and complained how much i hated the dental school there at first...crying over the phone to daddy...feeling so helpless and wanted to just fly back home...but now i am kind of getting use to it... well, i think i do have many regrets last year...the way i fooled and played around in glagsow...never ever taking my lectures seriously...always laughing and chatting with my friends...which now resulted in me having a mugging session during the christmas hols...if only i have did my constant revision...i won't have to lock myself away from everyone now... and could have been able to meet up with my group of close friends and also go on a holiday...but there is nothing i can do to reverse things now...but to just accept things the way they are and work on it...and that's about it for school...will update more, shall end here first coz i am tired...