Let the truth be out...well, all these years my success was helped out by someone...he is no other than clarence...i am truly thankful for his help...without him i wont be where i am today...and i would admit he was once my boyfriend for a good whole 5 years...yup...there were many ups and downs in this relationship...and honestly we had been through many rough times...in fact it has left many scars in me...even till now when i see him...i still fear him so much so much...that's why he has been kept in the dark with so many things...all my true emotions was just bottled up inside me...coz i feared that by speaking the truth...something might happen to me...i do admit that there are times i do give him a huge load of work that coz him to explode so easily...and i know i have got to be more independent myself...which i am slowly trying to do so now...i havent been able to open up to anyone till i was in glasgow where i thought i could have a new start, a new beginning where i thought for once i could speak the truth to someone...to share why i am like this today...there were many times i felt like crying...wished that there was someone i could trust whole heartedly...and could have a heart to heart talk...but i realised through telling people so much...i became very vulnerable to them...in fact, i did try speaking all my feelings to clarence...wishing that he could understand me...but to him he thinks it is betrayal...why? he knows it himself that i really do not have any evil intentions or anything like that...it is just this pure innocent heart needing some help and advise since he is the one that knows me the best...it is with his violence that i seek comfort in my friends...i try to go undercover to search for my own happiness...wishing and hoping that this violence will come to an end someday...you may be thinking this is really selfish of me...but i really had no one i could talk to...i did try speaking to people...just like i told someone...and what she did was to make the whole situation worse for me...and this has coz me to close up once more...in fact, i did try to open up myself again to him yesterday...telling him my true feelings...but what happened...he lost his anger and got violent again...i know he loves me so much...that i am the girl he wants to marry...and he wants to give me a very good life in future...but i know i had to say "no" coz no matter what i find it so hard to stir that feeling of love in me once more...becoz of so much abuse and hurt...so much fears in me that i find it hard to even have a heart to heart talk to him...that i find it so hard to even be myself with him these days...i feel so fake in front of him...and i know i cant put myself into any more denial and tell myself that i love him...